Saturday, March 14, 2009

To A Girl I Know

My best friend is having her birthday party in L.A. tonight.
A birthday that has come during a time where she could probably care the least about it.
A birthday surrounded by circumstances that have most likely made her question every bit of our existence. Of her purpose. Of what's the fucking point?

I picture her sitting with her friends tonight, laughing and talking, all the while a pain deeper than she maybe has every felt before, sits nestled at the bottom of her heart. Her heart weighs one hundred tons right now and she doesn't know how to change that. We don't know how to change it either. I would give everything I could to lift that weight away and throw it into the ocean. We'd sit there and watch that pain drift away, over the horizon, and out of her life forever.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

the sun[ny] also sets...

since the last post here on our seedling blog, i experienced a tremendous loss.

on the night of january 31st, 2009, my father's 60th birthday, after a glorious drive down the PCH into malibu, after a walk on the beach, a lovely dinner and after a glass or two of wine, i checked my phone. a message bringing the kind of news you never want and can never expect. my dear friend sunny bresin-heath had been found unconscious and rushed to the hospital.

i cannot continue on with this blog without writing this story. because sunny was my los angeles family. she was so much a part of los angeles to me that this place i love so much wouldn't ever seem to make sense without her. it is possible that i now love los angeles to the depth that i do because sunny loved me here and helped me create a place for myself here.

the gentleman who had invited me to malibu stood by while i conference-called with my friends will and shaw to see if we could suss out the severity of the situation. he then offered to drive me to st. john's hospital in santa monica, which i took him up on. when we left the hospital early that morning, nothing had changed. sunny was in a coma and no one knew anything about what had transpired.

we returned to the malibu house to sleep. i forced myself to have breakfast before i headed back to the hospital.

the first two days seemed somewhat optimistic. sunny's body was healing itself from whatever mysterious situation had led her there. and then things headed south. her brain functions quit. the unknown amount of time she had spent without oxygen was getting the better of her. i could not tear myself from the hospital.

that week, my friends, her friends, and her family became my entire world.

midday on february 6th, sunny's sister lani started to have a panic attack. i was sitting with her, rubbing her back and holding her hand while her dad ran back and forth with cold, wet washcloths for her forehead. her hands were clammy, she was forcing herself to breathe steadily. suddenly she demanded to know the results of the tests that were being taken. sunny's father, rick, came back moments later and said, 'lani, sunny was declared dead.'

i remember her nodding and curling up tighter and her grasp on my hand clenching. and we both sobbed. and will reached out to us both and we all cried together. and lani screamed, 'FUCK! FUCK! my sister is dead! that is so fucked!' and she was right. and i thought of how much sunny loved it when lani made these types of outbursts.

more than a month has gone by already. a memorial was held in northridge, at her husband's grandfather's home; the same place she and zack were married august 16, 2008.

a memorial was held in minnesota. and now? now we work at getting through each sunny day without bending to the stabbing pains that strike whenever they choose. now we try to figure out the best way to memorialize her life with our own lives. now life goes on without this vital organ of our existence and we come face to face with the fact that there will be no more new photos taken, no more new stories to share, no more movies seen or music swapped. now we attempt to mend our broken hearts and make sense of this place without her.

to follow the rollercoaster we were on or leave a note: caringbridge for sunny
to donate to a cause sunny was passionate about: or